I’ve been an introvert for the past sixteen years. As a kid, I was shy and self-centered. Eventually I outgrew my shyness, but I’ve never had any need for human interaction. I’m not a misanthropist — most people find me quite funny and approachable, actually—but still, I’ve always preferred machines to humans. Not because they’re more predictable or because they don’t judge me or whatever. I just do.
However, something has changed lately. All of a sudden, I realized that the only purpose of technology is to simplify our life. I’m afraid many of us get it backwards: instead of using computers to automate complex tasks, leaving more space for human relations, we use them to build a world of our own and escape from our fellows. This is so wrong: it leads to a life void of meaning, one that we’ll probably regret only when it’s too late to fix it.
After this realization, I started to seek human contact. It wasn’t easy at first: it was like going for a run after I had been sitting on the couch my whole life. In addition, people weren’t used to having me around, so I had to let them know that I was now available for those same social events that I had always avoided. I’ve started building a social life at the age of sixteen, while most people do it when they’re eight.
You might be wondering if it was hard or if I was rejected. The answer to both questions is a sound no: not only I’ve found out that I liked people more than I was willing to admit, but I’ve also discovered that they were completely fine—although surprised—with hanging out with me.
Whether you’re a developer, a designer, a geek or any other type of technology guru that comes to mind, ask yourself this: “Why am I doing what I do?”. Sure, the job is fun, it satisfies you, but eventually you’ll understand that what you’re doing is helping people, whether you like it or not. You work on complex things, things they don’t understand, so that all they see is simplicity.
Once you’ve acknowledged this, it will be much easier to get out there and build a life. Put yourself on the line and don’t be afraid: (most) people aren’t nearly as bad as you think, and they’ll be happy to help you start a social presence. Either that, or you have crappy friends, which is yet another reason to make better acquaintances.
As I said, you’ll have to remind them of you, because you’ve been absent for a very long time. When they invited you to parties you said you had work to do. When they asked you to go out you said you had work to do. When they wanted you for dinner you said you had work to do. It’s only natural that they now assume you always have work to do—that’s what you wanted, isn’t it? Except you don’t want it anymore.
Ask someone what they’re doing that evening. Don’t expect anything of them. Don’t assume they’ll be going out and, if they do, don’t expect them to enthusiastically invite you—they probably won’t, and I’ve already explained why. If they’re doing something that you like, ask to come. No, you’re not annoying: if they don’t want you to come, they will come up with a polite excuse, and you’ll be able to move on. That’s how it works.
It’s better if you’re going with a group, as asking to come along will be less awkward, you’ll get to know more people and less interaction will be expected of you. Most introverts feel uncomfortable in large crowds, so you’ll have to see what works best for you.
You might be tempted to join any event, even the ones you don’t think you’ll like. Some say it’s a good idea. I think it’s bullshit. It will only make you dislike all kinds of social interaction, worsening your situation. You really don’t want to be afraid of the smallest encounter turning out to be boring or uncomfortable, do you?
However, don’t be too picky, or you might get stuck. Remember that there’s an upside to everything, and that everything gets fun (or at least bearable) if you’re doing it in good company. Except drugs—some of those are fun, but don’t do them. Seriously, don’t.
Oh God, those two are pointing at you! Oh God, they’re laughing! Oh God, they’re making fun of you! Oh God, it’s game over!
Let me make something clear: most people don’t give a fuck about you. In the best way. If they’re making fun of you—and most likely they’re not—they’ll forget about it in five minutes. And anyway, why do you care? Let them have fun! Have you never laughed about someone? I do it all the time, for the stupidest reasons, and I really don’t mean any offense.
Here’s an exercise that works for me. If someone is staring at you, or if you think they’re saying something about you, don’t try to ignore them, as it will only make things worse: you might end up thinking there’s actually something strange about you, and that you have to defend yourself by not thinking about it. Instead, get in the other person’s shoes: imagine what is it that they find so funny and laugh along!
Learn to approach these situations positively and they will become irrelevant parts of your life.
Or get a gun. Whatever works.
Rejection is a natural part of life, and it’s quite common even for extroverts. You know, the cool people who go to places and do things.
From time to time people will reject you, and they’ll do it for different reasons. Maybe they don’t have time for you or they don’t like you. Just like the majority of things that can happen in your life, rejection is no big deal. Learn to accept it and move on.
An important skill, and one that is difficult to learn, is the ability to distinguish between different types of rejection: if someone doesn’t want you around they’re probably not going to change their mind. There’s no point in insisting, and it might even have a negative impact on you. On the other hand, if they’re simply busy, it’s okay to wait until they have some time and ask later: you’re just expressing interest.
More often than not, the signs are there. However, they’re not easy to describe, so you’ll have to find out for yourself.
Rejoice! Now you have a social life!
However, you really shouldn’t put away your personality and all the skills that you have so patiently learned over the years. They’re part of you, they’re what make you special and unique.
Remember that there’s nothing wrong with being introverted or with having uncommon interests. Don’t try to be someone you’re not: people are going to notice, and they will lose interest in you.
Keep developing, designing, writing or whatever it is that you used to do before. Now that you’re doing it for someone, it will be even better.